Stardate Seattle

July 16, 2007

Do you have any old habits? Maybe you play with your hair (guilty), fiddle with pens (guilty), or even add an ‘s’ at the end of ‘anyway’? (NOT guilty) Sure you do. We all have habits and patterns, goals and dreams, reoccurring themes, and situations that, try as we may, or perhaps try as we may not, that happen upon our day to day existence. Ok, we’re on the same page. Now, have you ever promised, swore, pact-ted, or otherwise hoped that you wouldn’t repeat one of these patterns? Maybe you’ve tried hard never to procrastinate before a test. Perhaps you trained yourself to not shake your leg. Whatever it happens to be for you, you understand the feeling. “Why can’t I stop this?” “God Damnit, I’ll never do that again!” Followin’ so far? Good. I, just like you, have the same thoughts. The same thing happens again and again, and we try to change the outcome, we promise it’ll be different, and we swear up and down that everything will work out for the better. And it probably will, but who wants to wait for that long-run solution? Maybe I’ll look back in 30 years and laugh, but in the mean time, I’m not laughing. So we decide, after the 40th time or so, that it really will be different. We’ll put all our effort into it, and something will come back out of it. Something, right? Nope. The same thing again and again. And then I start to wonder, is it these patterns that we follow, these simple, step-by-step guides to our own lives, that define us? Am I me because I wear my hair the same way always, drive the same way, or even have the weird little quirks that I do? I don’t know, but I begin to wonder, that maybe, deep down, even if we’re trying to change on the surface, we want things to stay the same. Even if it hurts. And boy can it. Do we become so used to the things that happen, that we help them to happen again? Why does a thief who goes to jail everytime he gets caught, continue to steal?

The point I’m trying to make, and attempting to avoid over-philosophising, is that I want to know why I continue to do the same old thing that I’ve always done. Also, why does it end
 the same way, no matter the inputs we use? Who knows? I don’t. It seems that I’m always putting in the effort and the work, and rarely get any back. It makes a guy feel down, and over-worked, and underpaid of sorts. I don’t want to be the only person trying, and I don’t want to waste my time. But it seems that nonsense America has about dreams has rooted itself in my brain, and I am stuck chasing a dream, as many times before, without hope to achieve. Whatever happened to Equivalent Exchange (If I may reference Full Metal Alchemist)?

Maybe God is pushing his plan on us, maybe we’re pushing it on ourselves. Maybe everything is random, but something
 seems to usually hold true: History repeats itself, and my experiences are no different. Six of one, half a dozen of the other

When will things change? The obvious answer to be thrown at me “When you change them,” is the theory I’d usually abide
 by. However, this time, this time I’m looking elsewhere for the answer, because in this case, that doesn’t seem to be it. Why can’t I learn to quit, go home, regroup, and let something come to me for once? Eh, because that’s not my style, and I am enslaved to my own patterns, it seems. I know I shouldn’t, but I do anyway. Sucks a little, but perhaps I’ll learn something this time. For now, I wait. I wait and wait and wait. I’ve got more than plenty of time, because I don’t know when to quit.

When will things change?

In other news, I am currently in Seattle. I’m up here to register for Seattle University, the school that I shall be attending to voluntarily subject myself to 4-7 more years of enslavement, at my own expense, so that society may view me as someone worth paying attention to. Wish me luck, I really have little idea what is happening when I go, other than I need to bring a photo ID, and a smile to greet my one-night-stand-roommate. I wonder if his blog is as kick-ass as mine :P.

Feel free to comment, not to say “OMG Tyler, that’s…. emo of you”, but rather to genuinely communicate a reflection.

Cheers! Sorry I never update, I’m working on it.

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One Response to “Stardate Seattle”

  1. yourlorelei Says:

    I’m not good at being philosophical in writing. So, I apologize for my lack of eloquence and clarity that you seem to posess and emit so easily.

    I wish things were different. Things will get better. Things will change. Sometimes a change is so constant that you don’t know anything’s changed until it is.
    There is so much more that I wish I could say, but I’m having trouble finding the words to say them with.

    Everything will work itself out in the end.


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